Unsaid but understood

November 13, 2014

I sat there beside you, quietly
Refusing to speak
I was hurting as we sat side by side
our arms touching, our arms never holding
I didn't want to tell you
Tears would definitely fall if i did
So I didn't
You were already forgiven

I sat there beside you, quietly
Listening to the purring of the engine
You pulled my arm towards you and reached for my hand
Your fingers slowly interlocking with mine
Your hand, your fingers
They felt like home; I missed it
I wanted to cry

So I sat there beside you, quietly
Stared at the window as we passed by the streets full of lights
They were twinkling, inviting, haunting
Nostalgic
I squeezed your hand, resisting the urge to tell you I love you
I succeeded, but I wasn't happy
But with the pain I felt, I had to do it, I couldn't tell you

As I sat there beside you, quietly
I closed my eyes
Drowned myself in your scent
Trying to remember the days when we were okay
And as I did
I felt okay, we were okay
So I leaned my head on your shoulder
You held my hand tighter
The kiss on the forehead just makes everything better

Before me

I never thought I'd be able to love like this again. I'm not even sure if this really is love, but it sort of feels like it. At first I was a bit hesitant about this thing. I even told myself that I won't tell you "I love you" unless I really meant it. Honestly, I don't even know if I really meant it the first time I told you that and I'm sorry. I'm still not sure of what I really feel, but don't worry I'm okay I won't back out. I love you and I trust you, but you know what bothers me though? Nica.

Nica. The girl you liked (loved, even) before me. You told us all about her and how much you still liked her. You stalked her each time we were together, talked a lot about her and I saw how happy you were. I felt how hurt you were and how much you loved her. But then the day came when I had to tell you about what happened, and with just that you started to think of the possibility of us. It made me happy at first because we were close, but it scared me since I know you still loved her. 

Before me there was her. You still liked her.

I thought about it long and hard. You told me that you liked me, but some of your friends didn't want you to be with me. They probably told you how terrible of a person I am. Well you know what? I am. I am. I will let you go if you want to go. I will not try to insert myself into your life if you don't want me to. I will let you go out every night with your friends, I will not freak out if you sleepover with a bunch of girls because I trust you (and maybe because I don't care that much, I'm still trying to figure it out). I will not be clingy. I won't ask for your time. I won't let you spend too much on me. I wouldn't get mad if you don't reply to me. It's fine with me if you don't send me cute good morning or good night messages. I will not ask too much from you, but I will try my best to be the greatest girlfriend you ever had. I will show you who I really am. I will not hide my true self. I will be completely honest because I'm in it for the long run. I hope you are, too.

But before me there was her. And you still liked her when you first started thinking about the possibility of us. How am I supposed to feel?

How sure were you when you realized you loved me, too? When you clearly loved her more than anyone else in the world. 

I have a secret

I have a secret and I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone. Okay, here goes nothing.

I'm currently dating a guy. He's one of my closest friends from high school, and we've hung out a lot since college started. He's not from the same school. In fact, he's from our rival school, but it doesn't matter to both of us so that's okay..... I guess. But that's not my secret.

You see, I like this guy, but at the start I can never imagine myself with him. Maybe it's the fact that we treat each other like bros? I don't really know. Lately, we've been hanging out a lot. We go out at least once a week, watch movies, go on dinner dates, stuff like that. But you know? Weeks before I promised myself not tell him I love him unless I really do....but I did. I don't know why. Do I really love him? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not exactly sure if I'm doing the right thing....but that's not my secret.

This guy is too sweet, and too caring that most of the time I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone like him. There are times when I feel like I'm corrupting his innocent self as I try to do things that I've done with my past boyfriends to him. He's never been kissed, and I kissed him (yes, I initiated it). I stole his first kiss. This undeserving bitch stole a nice guy's first ever kiss. I felt so shocked knowing this at first. It felt as if I stole his virtue or something, but that's not my secret.

I'm actually dating a nice guy, and it feels so nice not having to worry about him cheating on me with other guys. Yes, that's how much I trust him and you know what? He trusts me, too. And that's what I like about our arrangement. I don't know if I should call this a relationship since he suggested that we won't label what we are. He told me, "If you're happy then I'm happy. That's good enough for me." That made me feel so liberated and free, I didn't feel trapped at all. I wasn't pressured, I was still free to do anything I want and I like that.

Okay, maybe I do love him? I wouldn't be saying that if I didn't mean it right? Or if I don't feel like I love him at all? I think I do love him. Yeah. I love him.

You see, that's my secret: I love this person, but I did not fall in love with him. Those are two different things for me. I don't know which is better since this is my first time dating someone that I never really fell for. It's a nice feeling, but it's scares me sometimes.

I'm so confused.

Not something you can easily undo

We've been friends for how many years? Five, six maybe? 

My mom has been asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. It's annoying because when I did have a boyfriend, she kept on telling me that I should wait first for the right time. She kept on telling me that I was still young, and that it's better if I was already mature before I get into a relationship. I wanted to tell her to leave me alone and let me decide for myself... it's a good thing I didn't.

I'm now in college and I guess that makes it different. Maybe my mom's just concerned about me not having any relationships during my college life, I completely understand because there are times when I can't help but wonder also. I just figured it out why a few months ago though, but I never really had the chance to share it to anyone. Now I'll try.

Have I told you about that Chinese guy I had some sort of thing with a few years back? Yeah, that one. I think our "thing" changed me.... in a bad way. We were very close friends before, and after what happened we drifted apart. It was the worst feeling ever. Having someone you used to be so close to, disappear from your side. It's like you were never really friends to begin with. It hurt me so much that I think I got fed up with the whole institution of love. I probably sound like this annoying, ranty bitch but that's how I felt and that's how I'm currently feeling right now. I can't go through that process again, I've had my own fair share of heartbreaks. I think I can't do it anymore.

Now, you, my friend are very important to me and I consider you as one of my closest friends. During one of the nights that we hung out, the idea of you and me in a relationship came up and it felt nice while we were together. However, when I got home and thought of it again, it was different. I was afraid all over again. My fear of relationships and commitments came back to haunt me. I don't know why I keep on ruining things for myself..... it just happens. We've been texting a lot the past few days and it's nice having someone to talk to, but I can't help but stop and pull myself back. I'm afraid, I just can't do it again (or won't? I don't know..).

The one night that we hung out you asked my why I don't have a boyfriend and I already told you the same reason that I'm telling everyone right now. You told me that there will come a day when I will bring that wall down when the right guy comes. I just did not expect you to be one of those guys who will be trying to bring it (or am I just assuming?) down.

I have started to invest a few feelings for you, but for a lot of reasons I can't imagine you and me romantically. We're too close and you're too important for me. I don't want to risk our friendship because I don't want to lose you when we break up. Please don't fall in love with me. Please don't make this hard for me.

I keep seeing your tweets lately and I can't help but feel that some of them are about us (I tweet stuff about us, too, fyi). I am good in figuring out cryptic tweets so I know they're for me (or am I just assuming still?). I'm sorry if I suddenly stop replying to some of your texts, or if I bail out on some of our plans. I just don't want to make things harder for us. We can still hangout, but I think it should not just the two of us.

I know you think like I can bring my wall down anytime once I fall in love, but darling I think even if I already like you and that we're the closest of friends it still won't happen. I'm too afraid and it's not just something I can easily undo. I'm sorry, I love you but sadly I can't I love you.

I can only offer you my friendship. So, please do your best and do not fall in love with me.

It's always better with friends

Yesterday, my friends and I went to Chef Laudico Guevarra's to celebrate Joy's birthday dinner (it was her treat by the way). They served Filipino food and what's even better is that it's buffet!

Here's a picture of us patiently before eating :-)

Photo from David's instagram account

We weren't complete that day because two of our friends had other commitments, nevertheless, we still enjoyed. I will definitely take my family back there again. :-)




K xxx

4: So there

February 27, 2014


So there's this guy.

He's been my friend for about three years and I think we're really close but not too much. I had the most wonderful night with him last Monday, and it's a night that I'm never going to forget.

3: Ditcher

“Sunod na lang ako, bawal kami umalis ng wala pang tao sa booth, eh.”

Just admit it if you don’t want to go to class. Stop telling me that you’ll follow after then you’ll just end up ditching me. It’s really okay telling me beforehand if you’re cutting class or not so that I won’t expect too much from you. You’re always like that, though. You say things and you don’t do them. You invite people to come and join you in a class or an activity but you still end up ditching them even if you're the one who made the invitation. It’s mean, rude and it’s not okay at all.

You’re very lucky we keep this all to ourselves.

2: Untitled

You tend to keep searching even if you know you'll never find it.
You think it's already in front of you but our eyes see what they want to see.
You expect too much from other people - you have to stop that.
You assume too early in a relationship, you'll just get hurt in the aftermath.
You have to stop thinking about what happens next and just live in the moment (as cliche as it may sound).
You have to be more independent.
You have to be alone even if it means watching a movie on your own or eating lunch alone in a restaurant.
You have to listen to sad songs as much as you listen to happy ones.
You have to cry once in a while, darling.
You've got to try to speak with a British accent.
You have to try to sleep over at a close friend's house.

All these things may seem petty and stupid but I swear to God they're all worth it.

1: March 4, 2014

Let's just say that I keep falling in love with the ones I can't have. It's frustrating most of the time but I can't do anything about it. It's also a bit gut-wrenching hearing them talk about their significant others and how they go so well together but there are times when I just find myself fall in love with them more when they tell stories about them.

I don't know why.

I fell in love with one of my closest friends once and at the start it was nice but it didn't end well. I'm not blaming anyone though, our "arrangement" was a bit more complicated. He was one of the best people I'm most proud of loving until now and I think that that'll never change. After that relationship, it was a bit hard for me to pick myself up and start all over again. I knew that I could do it, I just didn't want to do it yet. Maybe because I wasn't ready yet. I was too afraid of falling and failing again and back then I knew that I've had enough.

Frammento

Frammento is Italian for the word "fragment".

I'm planning to put a new page in my blog that's dedicated to some of the stuff that I write when I feel like it. I'm gonna name the page "Frammento" since the paragraphs that I'll be writing/posting are just snippets/fragments (or gusto ko lang talaga yung word na yun kasi it sounds fancy and sophisticated HAHAHAHA hayaan niyo na ako)

April 2014

Wow, it's been a while.

Let me tell you guys something disappointing...... I wasn't able to complete my Beatles class. I'm quite disappointed with myself but I have my reasons. It just wasn't the right time, I had to much on my desk, exams were popping out of nowhere and I'm not really an expert in time management. Half of it is my fault but what's done is done. I just have to wait 'til the next class.

Anyway, it's finally summer!!!! My summer vacation is a bit short though because I have summer classes but at least I got the chance to go to Pangasinan with my family again. It's been so long since we last visited our province. It was super fun and it's one that I'll never forget. We were able to visit four beaches in three days and finally got the chance to get the tan lines that I've always wanted to have. I'll try to post about it but I'm not making any promises HAHAHAHAH

So today, I'm going to try to post some of the stuff that I've been writing for the past months. I have a habit of scribbling and typing short paragraphs about my feels when I'm stressed or bored or even annoyed. Wait for it!!

I'll be back soon.

PS I'll be changing my pen name to Kazza (for reasons that I think you guys wouldn't understand)



Kz xxx

Fulfilling a Dream

Hi guys! It's been a while since I last wrote and I'm terribly sorry for that. I just wanna update you guys about something that I've been waiting for since December last year. HAHAHA So, I signed up for a Music of the Beatles class at the University of Rochester 'cause it has always been a dream of mine to take up a Beatles course one day. I've been doing a lot of research about where I can take classes and none (I think) are being offered in the Philippines. Luckily, one of my former roomies linked me to the Coursera site where I can take a course about The Beatles.

Here are some of the lessons for this week!

The class stared today and it'll be until the 23rd of March. I've watched the first three lectures and I am enjoying all of them so far. I'm so happy for this opportunity and I wouldn't dare miss it for the world.

I'll update you guys as soon as I get my certificate. Wish me luck, guys!!


Kaye xx

Sundays

         Sundays are beautiful, but I can't explain it to you in a sentence. I'm going to have to describe it to you, little by little. Stay with me.

Sundays are special. On a Sunday morning, the feeling of waking up is different from how you woke up the day before. It feels a bit reassuring, hopeful even, but most of the time it just makes you want to get up and go, making you think like you have all the time in the world. There's something about Sundays that makes you forget that it's Monday the next day. You feel a bit anxious and relaxed at the same time, but it's okay.

         Sundays are spent with family. It's like there's this force pulling us all together making us want to just stay at home and share a cup or two. It's the day for outdoor lunches and eating with your bare hands. Sunday is the day when you get to tell your family about the things that had happened throughout the week from the happiest to the lowest of situations. There will come a time when the humiliating stories are being shared and the laughs are resonating simultaneously, that's when you realize how blessed you really are to be in that kind of setting.

         Some Sundays, however, are a bit nostalgic. You stay in bed burying yourself under the sheets and thinking about the things in the past wondering what might have been. It's a day for looking at old photos and secretly hating yourself for wearing the clothes you wore back then. It's a day for reading those forgotten notes and letters from friends and family that you've kept in that old shoebox that makes you want to just tell them how much you love them. It is during these rare nostalgic Sundays when you feel that warm, fuzzy feeling building up inside you, pulling you to a smile and making you realize how much love you have yet to offer.

         Sunday is a day for just letting your hair down. It's a day for giving your trusty container of clay doh a day-off. It's the day for losing the make up and wearing your own skin. Sunday is a day perfect for staying in while wearing oversized raggedy shirts and sweatpants. It's one of those days when your sibling sees you in bed with a half-empty tub of ice cream, a laptop, two pillows and a blanket surrounding you as you fall in love with your favorite fictional characters.  It's a day for you to pull yourself back together after losing yourself in work and unwanted emotions the past week threw at you. It's a time for relaxation and a chance to be who you really are.

         Sundays are for Elvis and The Beatles, for Sinatra and Fitzgerald. It's a day for losing yourself to the music of Bob Dylan or even John Mayer, whatever floats your boat. It's the day when I hear my dad listening to the familiar sound of his favorite instrumentals. The one day I hear my mom singing her favorite song that's been stuck in her head for the past weeks over and over. Sunday is a day for good music, but because it's Sunday, any music would suffice as long as it makes you think less and lip-synch more.

         Some Sundays are spent visiting our loved ones and usually it's the day we spend time talking to our grandparents and listening to their stories. And funny enough, even though we've heard their stories countless times, we still listen and we still learn. We learn about how many Coke bottles can be bought by a five-peso coin during their time. We learn about how simple yet difficult life was forty years back and this helps us appreciate the small things like how lucky we are to have the Internet. Sunday is the day our grandparents teach us about God, constantly reminding us how important religion is and how going to church every Sunday can make a difference in our lives. Sunday is the day our family reminds us to be kind to be everyone, to stay humble and to keep our feet flat on the ground. It's because of those little talks that go on and on that makes Sundays spent with relatives memorable and heartwarming. Sometimes those little talks are what keep us going.

         Sunday is a day for clean slates and starting over. It's a day for being thankful for all our blessings and for saying sorry for all our mistakes. It's a day for setting aside all the problems and just living in the moment. It's a day for forgiving ourselves of our imperfections and loving these imperfections at the same time. Sunday is a day full of hope and it's a day full of new beginnings.

But there’s one more thing that we should never forget.

         Sundays are perfect when spent with God. It's that one special day when you realize how much you really love Him and how much more He loves us. It's a day for prayer and praise and a day for deepening our relationship with Him. Sundays are different when spent with God, for it calms me down and keeps me going. His words help us realize the right things to do and the right place to be. However, there are some Sundays when we fail to attend church and we can't help but feel guilty and bothered, but we don't exactly know the reason why. For me, not being able to go to church makes me feel as if I'm being dragged through the rest of day, feeling incomplete and anxious all at the same time. It feels likes having this void in our souls just waiting to be filled with hope and faith and love which all comes from Him.

         Sundays are better when spent with God and I'm not just saying this for the heck of it, but because it's the truth. I believe that all Sundays are special with or without God, but it's basically Him who completes it and makes every Sunday perfect.

"Sundays" is an article I wrote for our church's youth journal.