Last night

He was playing the guitar, silently humming to his music as I sat down beside him on the bed, his voice is that of an angel's and his face is just beautiful. When he finished with the song, he placed his guitar on the floor and looked at me with his bright brown eyes through his round glasses.

"I can't believe this man is mine", I said to myself as he placed his hand on my cheek and gently kissed me on the lips.

"I love you, John", I told him, and he smiled his warm smile that never fails to make me flush, and said, "I love you, too".

And we lay there in bed wrapped in each others' arms in peace, getting more love than we deserve while the world outside is at war and in dire need of hope.

Then I woke up from my dream, it's a Wednesday and apparently my unconscious is a bitch. John is dead, Tin. John is dead.

I already love you too much to let this thing go. Painful, but this is a different kind of pain, the kind that you can’t cry your heart away. The kind of pain that stays and in fact I want it to stay, ‘cause it can be the only reminder that I was once happy with you and that you were happy with me, too.

For my future Boyfriend, Julian

Just so you know, I  miss you even if we haven't met and I don't even know if your name really is Julian. For 18 years, I've only known 2 Julians and I'm pretty sure you're not them. You might not even have that name but it would make me smile if you do. I have no idea if you even exist at all or if you're just about to be introduced into this world (the latter would make me look like some sort of cougar/pedophile), but let's just pretend that you're about the same age as me.

You might not be reading this today or even tomorrow and the day after, you might not be able to read this at all but I just want to tell you that right now I feel sad, I'm sitting here in front of the laptop alone eating cheddar jalapeno-flavored Cheetos and dipping them in sour cream. I want to hug you and tell (more like rant) about my shitty day and knowing that seeing you would make things a little better. I just feel so alone this moment and I remembered you even if I don't know you. You might be the guy I saw walking along the bridge earlier wearing a red v-neck shirt and black pants, or the dude with the aviators who was behind Jake as he ordered at the counter earlier, and maybe even be the guy wearing earphones who walked right beside me humming to his music. 

I wish I knew what type of music you like. I love listening to The Beatles, it's okay if you don't but if you do that would make me really happy also. Of course I don't expect you to have similar interests as me and I also  don't want you to do things just for the sake of making me happy. I want you to know in advance that you don't need to do anything to make me happy because just seeing you would do.

I sure hope I'm with you. I'm so bored and I don't want to start doing things for school yet. Right now you might be with your best friends or you might even be stuck at home on a Friday looking at your Facebook and just staring at your friends' posts and pictures. We might even have mutual friends and you might have already seen me in one of your friends' photos but just completely ignored me 'cause you don't know me, but there's also a possibility that you've looked at my face for a minute or two wondering if I could be your next girlfriend. Well, Julian you're right and I hope you decide to add me or even bother to ask your friend who I am so that we could start talking and knowing more about each other. 

We can be best friends first and I will proudly introduce you to my dearest block mates and secretly let them judge you if you're a good guy, but I know you are even if they say you're not. I know you're not perfect but you are for me. I know I'm a bit cheesy that's why I'm trying to introduce myself to you now so that you'll know what to expect when we're already together. I want to be with you already, but for now I know I'll have to wait and I'm okay with that. I just hope that you do exist 'cause if not then I'm waiting for someone who'll never come and that would make me look stupid yet of course writing this already makes me seem pathetic but I don't care.

I really hope you show up, Julian. Even if you're name is not really Julian, please show up. And someday, when we're together and you ask me why I wrote this with the name "Julian" I'll tell you the whole reason. No, I don't have a specific image of a person in mind while I'm writing this....okay, maybe yes, but it's Julian Lennon so no need to get jealous about that. I hope you don't get jelly easily but it would be cute if you do, 'cause every time you get jelly I'll do everything to show you how much I love you and how important you are to me.

I wish I was with you right now, oh god, I keep on saying this but it's true. I just don't feel comfortable talking about my problems with my closest friends.I want someone special who would just listen to me who would try to make things better, and I know that that would probably be you (I don't want to assume but I feel that it's really you). But I think it would be awkward if I talk to you about this problem of mine since you are my future boyfriend.... but I believe that you'll understand. Oh well, let's forget about  this. I want to call you right this moment and ask you to go out and drink some coffee or tea with me and just talk about the randomest (is this randomest even a word?) things ever but since I don't have your number - I can't. I can only imagine us in a coffee shop here in Katipunan with big smiles both on our faces and  just enjoying each other's company.We look cute together, Julian dear. I can only wish you can see this, too. My imagination is so vivid my gosh. Let's stop already before I start to miss you more.

Just know that I love you Julian even if we haven't met. I don't expect you to be all of these things but I sure hope that you're real. Good night for now, see you in the near future, baby. :-)

Love,
Kaye :-*

If Only Things Were Different

It is true that some people are made to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together. I never thought that I would experience a heartbreak that’s unbelievably painful. What’s worse is that the relationship never really existed, it was never official, we were never really together but I can feel that it was there, so my heart was breaking for nothing. I have to agree that it sounds a bit exaggerated, yes because it’s not ordinary, but it’s true. It may seem easy enough to give a solution to yet it’s not. We really can’t be together even if we tried to. I was in-love with my bestfriend – my Chinese bestfriend who came from a very strict and traditional Chinese family.

Though we’ve only known each other for less than a year, the two of us were what you can consider as the “best of friends”. Believe or not, we really got that close even if we only met in college and I’m very happy that we did. Well, the thing is that I’ve been crushing on him since the start of the second semester of freshman year during the time when we still weren’t that close, the days when our only form of communication was at school in the presence of our closest blockmates. During that time, I was planning for my debut and of course I made sure he was part of it, he was one of the roses, and in fact he was the 17th. I’ve already decided to let him be my 18th rose but so many people said that it might be too obvious so my brother ended up being the last rose.

There was never a day that we didn’t talk to each other since the start of my debut week. My closest friends knew that I like him and they kept on teasing me every single day about the non-existent things that are happening between us. They kept on connecting the bits and pieces that they can notice just to prove that he liked me too. All of them including me were assuming that there’s really something going on but I tried my best not to keep my hopes up even though they were really making sense. I held back all the emotions that had anything to do with him and let myself believe that fact that he doesn’t like me the same way that I like him and it made me feel better. I was scared to lose the friendship so I tried to forget about my feelings for him but I was falling for him each day and I knew that it was wrong, I’ve already accepted the fact that we can’t be together – that was one of another reason I gave myself to stop liking him. After a few days, I was confident enough to tell my friends that I was over him. Weeks later when I thought things were back to normal, the most unexpected thing happened and I didn’t know if I should be happy about it.

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning, everything was going my way. We were sitting along MVP basement watching our blockmates practice for their play. My bestfriend and I were there and since we didn’t have plays to practice for, we were left behind. We were just talking about random stuff until we came along the topic that I was really trying to avoid – my secret. He’s been asking me about it for days but I didn’t want him to know about it, I don’t want him to know that I had liked him. At that very moment, I knew I was screwed and that was also the moment that I realized that I still loved him and that the feelings never left. 

When we were already in his car (he used to take me back to my dormitory), he still kept on asking me about the secret, I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and ashamed at the same time because I wasn’t ready to tell him – I was never ready to tell him. Time passed and I’ve finally decided to tell him that I like him in the fastest way possible and leave right after. “Nothing’s going to happen”, I said to myself, so in his car I took a deep breath and the words, “I like you” found their way through systems and out of my mouth. There. Finally, I said it, I thought it was over until I raised my head, looked at him and heard him say, “I like you, too.”

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t persuade myself to accept that this really happened. At this point, it may sound like one of those “happily-ever-after” stories wherein true loves kiss is always the solution to everything but no, in our case, divine intervention was the only answer. I’m not exaggerating because that’s how I felt when this happened because we needed to stop acting like our old selves but I couldn’t. I can’t just throw away something I’ve learned to live with. The pain I felt each day only added up to how much I liked him. He decided that we shouldn’t try to risk it since we both knew how we’d up end up anyway. It really hurt me but I knew that it was the same way for him too. So, we agreed to stay friends, forget about what we felt for each other and pretend like nothing happened. It was painful but I had no choice, we promised that nothing would change between us and I believed it even if I already knew that everything will change.

Months passed, summer classes have started and things were in status quo. We went out with our blockmates together and managed to pretend that nothing really happened. Our closest friends knew about what happened between us but they kept silent. At first, I thought it was going to be easy forgetting about my feelings for him but clearly it wasn’t. I was with him almost every single day of summer because along with friends we've managed to synchronize all of our classes. I got used to being with him and for a time I actually thought that we’ve completely moved on, there was no awkwardness at all but we treated each other not just as friends, we acted like we were more than friends and many people noticed that. I was in denial but it was true. There were times when we went out and it was only the two of us, he’d pick me up from my dorm and we would just eat out and he’d bring me back safely. We were always together and we spent every single day just talking to each other. It wasn’t normal but we tried not to make a big deal out of it. We both kept on telling others and ourselves that we were only bestfriends but in reality, it wasn’t– there was something more.

Even though it is not said, I knew that we were trying to avoid talking about our unspoken relationship. But there was one night when we started to talk about serious things and I bravely told him, “I’m afraid of the day when we won’t be like this anymore” and after a long pause he answered, “At least, we have memories” and right there and then I fell silent. I was sure enough that what we had was nearing its end and I knew I had to be ready so I started to prepare myself.

First semester of sophomore year started and we were still the same, but I felt our friendship fade away every single day and I was scared. Scared because we were both in the same English 12 class and it would be really hard if we start to drift away while we are in close proximity with each other. I prayed hard to not let this happen but unfortunately, the odds weren’t in my favor and it did.

It’s been a month since we last talked and I can say that things have completely changed. It’s not like anything I’d felt before. He left before I even realized that he did. We didn’t even manage to try and fix things so the situation was left hanging. I felt broken and empty and I didn’t know how to help myself move on, it was all too new to me. I tried to get him back and save the friendship but I guess it’s too late, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I don’t know if it’s my fault. 

"Is it my fault?", "Did I do something wrong to him?", "Were we even bestfriends?", "Did I even mean anything to him? " - I still continue to ask myself these questions today but I can’t seem to find any answer to them. Attending my English 12 class is a challenge for me now because I get to see him every time I’m there and it’s really hard for me to ignore him. Sometimes I get this urge to confront him and ask him why things have changed all of a sudden but I can’t because I only get hurt each time I see him. I miss my bestfriend but I don’t know if he misses me too and I would do anything to get things back to normal again. 

Nevertheless, this taught me to appreciate the things that I have while it’s still there because we’ll never know when it’ll be taken away from us and how long they’ll be with us. It’s hard not to regret things that have happened but as what the old saying says, "past is past" and we can’t do anything about it anymore. We just have to make the most of what we have right now and be thankful for it, knowing that it’ll all be gone sooner rather than later.

Waiting for mother

Downloading torrents..... boring...

Trying to do a duck face.

Brother from the same mother! =))

Flaunting mah eyes and allllll

Sorry for the vanity, I thought my laptop was a mirror. -___- I'm just so boredddddddd

Pinky swears

The last time I actually sweared with my pinky was over a year ago and it didn’t turn out well. Actually, none of them turned out well. I don’t like using my pinky for promising things that I know I’ll only break but I don’t know what happened today. I made a promise with a friend to never do something ever again. Will I be able to stay loyal to that promise? ‘cause I pretty much have this feeling that I won’t. I don’t trust my pinky anymore.. I don’t trust myself anymore and I don’t know why.

My life’s filled will a lot of questions that I can’t even answer right now and they’re dragging me down. It’s like there’s this string that’s just holding the pieces of me together like some fish that’s been sliced and filled with a lot of other stuff, and I feel that if I don’t get these questions answered soon, I’ll totally break apart and crack open.

I’m afraid to put myself out there, I’m now afraid to take risks.

Why? That’s one of the questions I ask myself also.

Me being the girl that I am

Last Sunday, my family and I went to SM Mall of Asia to visit my Uncle Sonny in his condo and also because there was a box that just arrived from the states. MOA's really far from where I live so we tried to get the most out of it while we were there. :)

MOA is extremely huge! Of course I've been there before but I still manage to get lost. There are a lot of places that really look alike that my brother had mistaken the road that we were walking on to a different one. Sounds kind of funny but at that time it wasn't, 'cause we were hungry, we couldn't find where Shakey's was and we were tired of walking, trudging, crawling.. okay that's exaggerating... We were just tired and I'm pretty sure none in my family liked being tired especially if it's not a cause of working out.

Why do I keep on drifting away???? I should really learn to control this.

Let's move on.

While we were exploring and discovering more places in MOA, I got a glimpse of the store Egg! My friend Joy once told me about it before and I keep on stumbling upon the name whenever I read Candy magazines and the like. Being the curious cat that I am, I walked in and "accidentally" dragged my mom inside. The store was gorge and they're merch were so pretty! I love their bags and their accessories! (even my mom liked them and that's really rare) But what really caught my eye was their vintage style headbands! They were the kind of headbands that had wires underneath them and you have to tie them up either on top of your head or under your head near the nape. They're usually made of printed fabric like florals ad polkadots. I instantly bought two of them and surprisingly they were cheap. :)

Got these two for a steal at a hundred and fifty bucks!

I'm so happy! :)

On the "Fifty Shades" trilogy

I’ve finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy and I have to admit that I’m not happy at all that I’m through with it. It’s so bittersweet and heartwarming at the same time that I don’t know what I’m really feeling. I don’t even know if I like what I’m feeling. I’m sad and it’s weird ‘cause I’ve never felt this way for a book. I never should have finished it right away and now I’m super regretting that I did. I’ve fallen in-love with the character of Christian Grey, his enigmatic personality, and most especially, his love for Ana. I’m not ready to let go of the book yet so I’m re-reading them all over again. I love the book even if there are parts that make me feel awkward but enlightened at the same time (hehehehe). I love Christian Grey so much…. (that sounded creepy though but, yes)

It’s a good read, I tell you, but if you haven’t an open mind and you think of sex as yucky and sinful (that’s what I was thinking of also before I read the book) well, sucks to be you then. And I mean it.

Laters, baby.

Kaye x

Everything spontaneous

May 24, 2012

First day of summer. Nothing more to do for school, finally! Woke up to the sound of rain which is really annoying because I don’t like the rain but luckily it stopped and the sun was up before I knew it. The American Idol winner was announced today, too bad for my own country Jessica Sanchez lost and my bet, Phillip Phillips, won! :)

Well, the only plan I had for this day was to have breakfast with banana, but he woke up late and I was watching American Idol (daw) kaya we didn’t get the chance to eat breakfast and ended up having lunch instead. As you may have noticed, this post has the word “spontaneous” in the title so I guess more or less you already have an idea of what happened the whole day. =))

He picked me up at the dorm at around 11:30am and we didn’t know where to go or what to do. It took a long time for us to decide ‘cause we didn’t want to eat in Katipunan na (everyday ba naman there eh who wouldn’t), even in Eastwood (kasi it’s the same and idk we were just there the day before), and also SM Marikina (kase the Burger King’s closed na haha). I have no idea how long it took for us to finally decide where to go and how we ended up picking Robinson’s Metroeast (told you it’s spontaneous). When we got there, it was already lunch time but we didn’t know where to eat! (yet again), so we tried to look for a place to eat. We walked for a few minutes until we passed by Classic Savory and Chef d’ Angelo and once again we were undecided, a few minutes later, we decided to eat in Chef d’ Angelo anyway. Here’s the funny thing, it took a really long time for us before finally deciding what to eat (i think the girl sa counter got pissed na at us nga eh hahaha oh well)

After lunch, we left Rob Metroeast and didn’t know where to go again. We even thought of going to Tanay but nahh :-j it was too far so we went back to Katipunan instead and went inside Ateneo. We stayed there in the parking lot for a while until we decided to go to Starbucks, so we went there sa Starbucks branch in Petron and stayed for a little while again but it suddenly got cold so we left and went back to school (again). Back in school we had no idea of what to do (again) so we just stayed in the car and went parking hopping until he came by this game that has something to do with Tammy the Tamaraw being placed inside our shirts and showing it to everyone (it was supposed to be a daring game but hahahaha i didn’ t do it), kaya we went out for a walk inside the school.

From Matteo, we went to LS Bookstore and yay! we finally had the chance to sit on the couch there that was always occupied (what a fulfillment), he bought an ID lace and then went to Sec A to sit down and talk about stuff that I’m not comfortable talking about =))Went back to the dorm after and had our hug that should last for 2 weeks. :)

I love this day. I love spending days with you. Thank youuuuuuu >:)

Eccedentesiast

I’m not as strong as you think I am. I may have surpassed heartbreaks before this, but to be honest this has got to be most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. And you know what’s ironic about this? The relationship was never official, it was never there. To cut the long story short, my heart was breaking for nothing. It’s painful, flabbergastingly painful.

Though we’ve only known each other for less than a year, the two of us were what you can consider the “best of friends” or the “awesome twosome”. Believe it or not, we really got that close and I’m happy that we did. Funny thing is, I’ve been crushing on him since the start of the second semester during the time when we still weren’t that close. The days when our only form of communication was at school in the presence of our closest blockmates. Well I was planning for my debut that time and of course I made sure he was part of it (heehee), he was one of the roses, infact he was the 17th. I’ve already decided to make him my 18th rose but so many people reacted (baka mahalata daw na crush ko siya) and they were right, which is why Lance ended up being the last rose (funny ba wokay ).

There was never a day that we didn’t talk to each other since the start of February. Of course my closest friends knew that I liked him and they kept on teasing me every single day about the non-existent things that are happening between us. Connecting the bits and pieces of things that we can notice just to prove that there’s really something. All of us were assuming that there’s something going on but I tried my best not to keep my hopes up even though they were really making sense. I held back all the emotions that had something to do with him. I let myself believe the fact that I like him but he doesn’t like me back and it made me feel better. I wanted to save the friendship so I tried to forget him, I swear I did. I wrote all the things that I wanted to tell him on paper, stored and transferred all the feelings there so that I can easily let go, so that I could forget. I was falling for him each day and I knew that it was wrong, I’ve already accepted the fact that we can’t be together, that was another reason I gave myself to stop liking him. After a few days, I was confident enough to tell my friends that I’ve moved on and that I’m over him until that day came…

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning, everything was going my way (maybe because of the black cat I’ve encountered the day before). We were sitting along MVP basement watching our blockmates practice for their play. Both of us were there and since we didn’t have plays to practice for we were left behind. We were just talking about stuff until we came along that topic, about my secret. At that very moment, I knew I was screwed. That was also the moment I realized that I still like him, that the feelings never left. He kept on asking me about the secret, I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and ashamed at the same time ‘cause I wasn’t ready to tell him yet…I was never ready to tell him. Time passed and I’ve finally decided to tell him I like him in the fastest way possible and skedaddle right after. “Nothing’s going to happen”, I said to myself, so in his car I took a deep breath and the words, “I like you” found their way through my systems and out of my mouth. There. Finally! I said it, it’s over until I raised my head, looked at him and heard him say, “I like you, too”.

Let’s stop there.

Can you believe it? Even I can’t persuade myself to accept that this happened. At this point, it may sound like one of those “happily ever after” stories wherein true love’s kiss is always the solution to everything but no, we can’t be together, there’s no solution to our love story. Ours is forbidden, forbidden by the laws of humanity. No, I’m not exaggerating ‘cause that’s how I actually feel. Because of this, we need to stop acting like our old selves, corrosing the words, “best of friends” and the “awesome twosome” but I can’t. What the world is aking for me to do is too much for me to handle. I can’t just throw away something I’ve learned to live with. The pain I feel each day only added up to how much I really like him.

It’s hard not regret things because we never had the chance, we never tried…we can’t. It was over before it actually started and if that’s what they want then I’ll give them what they want but take note of this: I’d rather let the pain stay than forget. Why? Because forgetting is more painful and I can never let myself forget that I’ve grown to love us and what we had and I can never pretend that something as beautiful and bittersweet as this never happened.

I’m not the type of person who can express what they really feel out loud, so I did this. I just had to get this off my chest even for just a short while.

Are you happy now, humanity? I’m inlove with someone I can’t be with. What else do you want? Don’t make it too hard for me and just let me be. I don’t want to move on. I can bear the pain and be happy.

(sorry, not in the mood to be a grammar nazi and proofread, but maybe someday i will)

I won't give up?

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I only see the things that could have been
The night sky’s no longer dazzling to watch
The sunrise is beautiful but my thoughts of it are hurtful
It holds so much pain and regret
I see that you’ve started to move on
‘cause you’re already looking for someone else
How long did it take you to forget?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I don’t know I if shouldn’t give up
Everything’s just too hard now
You had my love
Should I still try to look up?

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

You had your time to think about it
I had mine when you were thinking
But I had to wait for your decision
‘cause that’s the only solution

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

The stars are already burning
Most of them are falling
I’ve learned something from this
I believe that God knows we’re worth it
Should I not give up?

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

Why’d you walk away so easily?
I stayed for us but looks like I’ve failed to make a difference
Our differences did teach us something
We could have got a lot at stake but we never tried
You’re right, at least we’re still friends
We didn’t work so we couldn’t break but yes we burned our feelings
We didn’t learn to bend without the world caving in
I learned I’ve got nothing, and I’m not yours
Who am I even?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
Still looking up.

Why can’t I give up?
This is all too hard or me
You had my love
Should I still look up?
Should I?

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I want to give up (but I can’t give up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I don’t feel tough, I do feel loved)
We did learn something (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (but I guess not)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I’ll try to give up on us
Even if it’s rough
I gave you all my love
Why am I still looking up?

"I love you" is the most god-forsaken, weather-beaten used cliche in the whole world but it's still magical.

Meanwhile in Psychology class...

Our teacher asked us to answer these two questions on a size 4 sheet of paper (we weren’t supposed to write our names):

1. If you were given the chance to be invisible for 2 hours, what would you do? (to be written at the front)
2. What is your deepest darkest desire? (to be written at the back.)

Then after asking us to pass our papers, she started reading all of them aloud. Jesus! Suddenly, she read the front of one paper and said, “Ooh, I Iike this one: Play tricks on my friends and scare them” after that, she looked at the back part of the paper and commented, “Oh my gosh, ouch” and finally read, “To be with my Chinese bestfriend”. The class fell awkwardly silent after that as our teacher moved on to the next paper.

And yeah, that was my paper.

Well, what do we have here..

I actually have a lot to say right now but I don't know where and how to start. Before I try to blog about recent things about my very stressful (can't think of a more apt word) week, I'm going to copy some of my fave posts from my old blog. :)