I have a secret

I have a secret and I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone. Okay, here goes nothing.

I'm currently dating a guy. He's one of my closest friends from high school, and we've hung out a lot since college started. He's not from the same school. In fact, he's from our rival school, but it doesn't matter to both of us so that's okay..... I guess. But that's not my secret.

You see, I like this guy, but at the start I can never imagine myself with him. Maybe it's the fact that we treat each other like bros? I don't really know. Lately, we've been hanging out a lot. We go out at least once a week, watch movies, go on dinner dates, stuff like that. But you know? Weeks before I promised myself not tell him I love him unless I really do....but I did. I don't know why. Do I really love him? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not exactly sure if I'm doing the right thing....but that's not my secret.

This guy is too sweet, and too caring that most of the time I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone like him. There are times when I feel like I'm corrupting his innocent self as I try to do things that I've done with my past boyfriends to him. He's never been kissed, and I kissed him (yes, I initiated it). I stole his first kiss. This undeserving bitch stole a nice guy's first ever kiss. I felt so shocked knowing this at first. It felt as if I stole his virtue or something, but that's not my secret.

I'm actually dating a nice guy, and it feels so nice not having to worry about him cheating on me with other guys. Yes, that's how much I trust him and you know what? He trusts me, too. And that's what I like about our arrangement. I don't know if I should call this a relationship since he suggested that we won't label what we are. He told me, "If you're happy then I'm happy. That's good enough for me." That made me feel so liberated and free, I didn't feel trapped at all. I wasn't pressured, I was still free to do anything I want and I like that.

Okay, maybe I do love him? I wouldn't be saying that if I didn't mean it right? Or if I don't feel like I love him at all? I think I do love him. Yeah. I love him.

You see, that's my secret: I love this person, but I did not fall in love with him. Those are two different things for me. I don't know which is better since this is my first time dating someone that I never really fell for. It's a nice feeling, but it's scares me sometimes.

I'm so confused.