We've been friends for how many years? Five, six maybe?
My mom has been asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. It's annoying because when I did have a boyfriend, she kept on telling me that I should wait first for the right time. She kept on telling me that I was still young, and that it's better if I was already mature before I get into a relationship. I wanted to tell her to leave me alone and let me decide for myself... it's a good thing I didn't.
I'm now in college and I guess that makes it different. Maybe my mom's just concerned about me not having any relationships during my college life, I completely understand because there are times when I can't help but wonder also. I just figured it out why a few months ago though, but I never really had the chance to share it to anyone. Now I'll try.
Have I told you about that Chinese guy I had some sort of thing with a few years back? Yeah, that one. I think our "thing" changed me.... in a bad way. We were very close friends before, and after what happened we drifted apart. It was the worst feeling ever. Having someone you used to be so close to, disappear from your side. It's like you were never really friends to begin with. It hurt me so much that I think I got fed up with the whole institution of love. I probably sound like this annoying, ranty bitch but that's how I felt and that's how I'm currently feeling right now. I can't go through that process again, I've had my own fair share of heartbreaks. I think I can't do it anymore.
Now, you, my friend are very important to me and I consider you as one of my closest friends. During one of the nights that we hung out, the idea of you and me in a relationship came up and it felt nice while we were together. However, when I got home and thought of it again, it was different. I was afraid all over again. My fear of relationships and commitments came back to haunt me. I don't know why I keep on ruining things for myself..... it just happens. We've been texting a lot the past few days and it's nice having someone to talk to, but I can't help but stop and pull myself back. I'm afraid, I just can't do it again (or won't? I don't know..).
The one night that we hung out you asked my why I don't have a boyfriend and I already told you the same reason that I'm telling everyone right now. You told me that there will come a day when I will bring that wall down when the right guy comes. I just did not expect you to be one of those guys who will be trying to bring it (or am I just assuming?) down.
I have started to invest a few feelings for you, but for a lot of reasons I can't imagine you and me romantically. We're too close and you're too important for me. I don't want to risk our friendship because I don't want to lose you when we break up. Please don't fall in love with me. Please don't make this hard for me.
I keep seeing your tweets lately and I can't help but feel that some of them are about us (I tweet stuff about us, too, fyi). I am good in figuring out cryptic tweets so I know they're for me (or am I just assuming still?). I'm sorry if I suddenly stop replying to some of your texts, or if I bail out on some of our plans. I just don't want to make things harder for us. We can still hangout, but I think it should not just the two of us.
I know you think like I can bring my wall down anytime once I fall in love, but darling I think even if I already like you and that we're the closest of friends it still won't happen. I'm too afraid and it's not just something I can easily undo. I'm sorry, I love you but sadly I can't I love you.
I can only offer you my friendship. So, please do your best and do not fall in love with me.
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