How many years has it been?

Hello, I'm kinda back.

The last time I wrote something in this page, I was still madly in love with my ex-. Young college girl (senior) desperately waiting for a relationship for years grabs the first chance she gets. I have to admit that I did not think much of that then. I was happy and that was enough for me. It would be lying if I said that Rafa never made me feel happy and appreciated - he did. That's one of the reasons I loved him and kept choosing him over and over.

We became official March 9, 2016. Just a few months before graduating and before medical school. Yes, I I made it to medical school and I'm actually an intern now, can you believe it? How time fucking flies. Anyway, we got together just a few months before medical after dating for almost a year. I was happy and satisfied with my relationship until I met Ced.

Ced.

Ced was my trans groupmate in medical school. We easily hit it off on the first day of first year med school. We had the same interests and same humor. He was my even my type - white, Chinese, tall, kinda awkward. For a second, regret passed by my mind. Regret that I had not waited for a few months, regret of being so desperate to have a relationship, but I stuck with my choice. I was not a cheater; I loved my then-boyfriend and so I chose him.

For the next 5 years I kept choosing him no matter the circumstance.

I'm not gonna pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. I had my weak days. There were days (heck even weeks) when I would think about how things would be if I were with Ced instead. I kept thinking to myself that it was weird and ridiculous, always trying to remove it off my mind - and I was able to.

After being so close from first to second year medical school, Ced and I had a fall out which made it easier for me to detach (even for him, he just didn't want to admit it). We went on with our lives separately, minded our own relationships. He was even able to date other people during that period.

Come third year medical school, by some weird thing, Ced and I were talking again. As if nothing happened before. We were close again. There would be times when he would call me and ask me for advise regarding his relationship. Everything was okay between us again, but you know, the tension has always been there.

In clerkship, he decided to live in the condo. That was the time we would spend so much time with each other. I would often stay over his place to watch Netflix and just hang out. You could say that we were hanging out everyday. My ex- then was completely fine with it. He never felt threatened or jealous about the fact that I was sleeping over Ced's place. We trusted each other and I appreciated that a lot.

Okay, just to make things clear, Ced and I had clear walls during that time. We never did anything that could jeopardize any of our relationships.

Last week of clerkship, that's when I hit rock bottom. My ex left me. That was also the time when things got really honest between us.

I'm sure you know where I'm going. Ced and I are together now. Medical school bestfriends, 4 years in the making, blalalalalalalala whatever. We're not yet official, just dating. He's perfect. Everything I've always wanted in a guy and in a relationship, but recently I've been having troubles with other things ---- like his family.

Do I Dare?

The past year has been all about lipsticks for me. I've been trying to stray away from buying MAC Lipsticks because I don't want to be biased. Recently, I've been trying all kinds of lipsticks and checking which one of them are worth their price. I'm thinking if I should write reviews about them, but you guys know how I am. I'm not a fashion blogger. I'm just a girl with a blog. Still, I'll think about it and who knows? You guys might end up reading lipstick reviews sooner rather than later!


Kaye xx

5: After Every Fight

May 9, 2016

If ever you ask me how I feel right now (and during every fight we have), I would answer “unwanted”. I feel disregarded, bypassed, and unneeded. I feel as if I don’t matter. I feel irrelevant and unimportant.

 But maybe, just maybe, it’s not like that. I hope it’s not.

To you.

May 4, 2016

To you.

I’ve been spending so many hours studying alone lately that I’ve gone tired of reading all these exam reviewers. Now I’m back here… Lately, I am happy of everything that is going on between us. Sometimes I get scared that we’re TOO happy because something bad always happens when things are “too much” as old people say. I’ve never actually done this for quite a while and it feels refreshing being able to do something not related to medicine. This time, maybe… I’ll write about us, or mostly about you.

You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that I don’t say or show it that much and I wish that I was more vocal and upfront about my feelings for you, but unfortunately, I’m not that good with it. You make me feel loved in ways I can’t even imagine and for that I’m thankful. Thank you for all the things that you do for me; from visiting me to bringing/buying me food. Thank you for believing in me during days when I felt like I wasn’t enough. Thank you for being the wave of assurance in my sea of doubts.

You are perhaps my favourite person in this crazy world and I’ve got to say that I’m very lucky and blessed to have you in my life. I love you not just for the good things in you. I love you and everything about you and I wouldn't trade you for anything or anyone else. Thank you for being strong for me during my bad days. Thank you for understanding and for always being a ready to listen to my endless rants and for never judging me. You are my best friend and the love of my life. How did I get so lucky?  I love you and words aren’t even enough to show you how much I do. “I love you, remember, they cannot take it.”

Cutting the chase

Sometimes I feel like I’m always the first trying to fix the problem. Whenever we argue, you keep quiet and pretend as if nothing’s happened. And yet you keep telling me to be completely honest with you always. I don’t immediately tell you my problem whenever we fight, but I know that I try my best (and most of the time I tell you). You, on the hand, just keep to yourself. Whenever we have a misunderstanding you just wave it off and then sulk by yourself. I feel like I’m always the one trying to reach out to you whenever we fight. You know what? I’m tired of that. You told me before that you don’t text me on purpose because you want to feel wanted and needed. I want to do that to you know. I want you to miss me, to tell me that you want us to talk instead of ignoring each other. Pakiramdam ko quasi parang laging ako na lang ang nag-hahabol at nakikipag-ayos. I don’t know why, but it feels that way. I’ll let you feel it too now. It’s just that right I feel like you really have no plans of talking to me, if that’s the plan then good luck. I don’t need you all the time. Kung yaw, eh di ayaw. Tapos.