It is true that some people are made to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together. I never thought that I would experience a heartbreak that’s unbelievably painful. What’s worse is that the relationship never really existed, it was never official, we were never really together but I can feel that it was there, so my heart was breaking for nothing. I have to agree that it sounds a bit exaggerated, yes because it’s not ordinary, but it’s true. It may seem easy enough to give a solution to yet it’s not. We really can’t be together even if we tried to. I was in-love with my bestfriend – my Chinese bestfriend who came from a very strict and traditional Chinese family.
Though we’ve only known each other for less than a year, the two of us were what you can consider as the “best of friends”. Believe or not, we really got that close even if we only met in college and I’m very happy that we did. Well, the thing is that I’ve been crushing on him since the start of the second semester of freshman year during the time when we still weren’t that close, the days when our only form of communication was at school in the presence of our closest blockmates. During that time, I was planning for my debut and of course I made sure he was part of it, he was one of the roses, and in fact he was the 17th. I’ve already decided to let him be my 18th rose but so many people said that it might be too obvious so my brother ended up being the last rose.
There was never a day that we didn’t talk to each other since the start of my debut week. My closest friends knew that I like him and they kept on teasing me every single day about the non-existent things that are happening between us. They kept on connecting the bits and pieces that they can notice just to prove that he liked me too. All of them including me were assuming that there’s really something going on but I tried my best not to keep my hopes up even though they were really making sense. I held back all the emotions that had anything to do with him and let myself believe that fact that he doesn’t like me the same way that I like him and it made me feel better. I was scared to lose the friendship so I tried to forget about my feelings for him but I was falling for him each day and I knew that it was wrong, I’ve already accepted the fact that we can’t be together – that was one of another reason I gave myself to stop liking him. After a few days, I was confident enough to tell my friends that I was over him. Weeks later when I thought things were back to normal, the most unexpected thing happened and I didn’t know if I should be happy about it.
It was a beautiful Tuesday morning, everything was going my way. We were sitting along MVP basement watching our blockmates practice for their play. My bestfriend and I were there and since we didn’t have plays to practice for, we were left behind. We were just talking about random stuff until we came along the topic that I was really trying to avoid – my secret. He’s been asking me about it for days but I didn’t want him to know about it, I don’t want him to know that I had liked him. At that very moment, I knew I was screwed and that was also the moment that I realized that I still loved him and that the feelings never left.
When we were already in his car (he used to take me back to my dormitory), he still kept on asking me about the secret, I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and ashamed at the same time because I wasn’t ready to tell him – I was never ready to tell him. Time passed and I’ve finally decided to tell him that I like him in the fastest way possible and leave right after. “Nothing’s going to happen”, I said to myself, so in his car I took a deep breath and the words, “I like you” found their way through systems and out of my mouth. There. Finally, I said it, I thought it was over until I raised my head, looked at him and heard him say, “I like you, too.”
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t persuade myself to accept that this really happened. At this point, it may sound like one of those “happily-ever-after” stories wherein true loves kiss is always the solution to everything but no, in our case, divine intervention was the only answer. I’m not exaggerating because that’s how I felt when this happened because we needed to stop acting like our old selves but I couldn’t. I can’t just throw away something I’ve learned to live with. The pain I felt each day only added up to how much I liked him. He decided that we shouldn’t try to risk it since we both knew how we’d up end up anyway. It really hurt me but I knew that it was the same way for him too. So, we agreed to stay friends, forget about what we felt for each other and pretend like nothing happened. It was painful but I had no choice, we promised that nothing would change between us and I believed it even if I already knew that everything will change.
Months passed, summer classes have started and things were in status quo. We went out with our blockmates together and managed to pretend that nothing really happened. Our closest friends knew about what happened between us but they kept silent. At first, I thought it was going to be easy forgetting about my feelings for him but clearly it wasn’t. I was with him almost every single day of summer because along with friends we've managed to synchronize all of our classes. I got used to being with him and for a time I actually thought that we’ve completely moved on, there was no awkwardness at all but we treated each other not just as friends, we acted like we were more than friends and many people noticed that. I was in denial but it was true. There were times when we went out and it was only the two of us, he’d pick me up from my dorm and we would just eat out and he’d bring me back safely. We were always together and we spent every single day just talking to each other. It wasn’t normal but we tried not to make a big deal out of it. We both kept on telling others and ourselves that we were only bestfriends but in reality, it wasn’t– there was something more.
Even though it is not said, I knew that we were trying to avoid talking about our unspoken relationship. But there was one night when we started to talk about serious things and I bravely told him, “I’m afraid of the day when we won’t be like this anymore” and after a long pause he answered, “At least, we have memories” and right there and then I fell silent. I was sure enough that what we had was nearing its end and I knew I had to be ready so I started to prepare myself.
First semester of sophomore year started and we were still the same, but I felt our friendship fade away every single day and I was scared. Scared because we were both in the same English 12 class and it would be really hard if we start to drift away while we are in close proximity with each other. I prayed hard to not let this happen but unfortunately, the odds weren’t in my favor and it did.
It’s been a month since we last talked and I can say that things have completely changed. It’s not like anything I’d felt before. He left before I even realized that he did. We didn’t even manage to try and fix things so the situation was left hanging. I felt broken and empty and I didn’t know how to help myself move on, it was all too new to me. I tried to get him back and save the friendship but I guess it’s too late, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I don’t know if it’s my fault.
"Is it my fault?", "Did I do something wrong to him?", "Were we even bestfriends?", "Did I even mean anything to him? " - I still continue to ask myself these questions today but I can’t seem to find any answer to them. Attending my English 12 class is a challenge for me now because I get to see him every time I’m there and it’s really hard for me to ignore him. Sometimes I get this urge to confront him and ask him why things have changed all of a sudden but I can’t because I only get hurt each time I see him. I miss my bestfriend but I don’t know if he misses me too and I would do anything to get things back to normal again.
Nevertheless, this taught me to appreciate the things that I have while it’s still there because we’ll never know when it’ll be taken away from us and how long they’ll be with us. It’s hard not to regret things that have happened but as what the old saying says, "past is past" and we can’t do anything about it anymore. We just have to make the most of what we have right now and be thankful for it, knowing that it’ll all be gone sooner rather than later.
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