Eccedentesiast

I’m not as strong as you think I am. I may have surpassed heartbreaks before this, but to be honest this has got to be most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. And you know what’s ironic about this? The relationship was never official, it was never there. To cut the long story short, my heart was breaking for nothing. It’s painful, flabbergastingly painful.

Though we’ve only known each other for less than a year, the two of us were what you can consider the “best of friends” or the “awesome twosome”. Believe it or not, we really got that close and I’m happy that we did. Funny thing is, I’ve been crushing on him since the start of the second semester during the time when we still weren’t that close. The days when our only form of communication was at school in the presence of our closest blockmates. Well I was planning for my debut that time and of course I made sure he was part of it (heehee), he was one of the roses, infact he was the 17th. I’ve already decided to make him my 18th rose but so many people reacted (baka mahalata daw na crush ko siya) and they were right, which is why Lance ended up being the last rose (funny ba wokay ).

There was never a day that we didn’t talk to each other since the start of February. Of course my closest friends knew that I liked him and they kept on teasing me every single day about the non-existent things that are happening between us. Connecting the bits and pieces of things that we can notice just to prove that there’s really something. All of us were assuming that there’s something going on but I tried my best not to keep my hopes up even though they were really making sense. I held back all the emotions that had something to do with him. I let myself believe the fact that I like him but he doesn’t like me back and it made me feel better. I wanted to save the friendship so I tried to forget him, I swear I did. I wrote all the things that I wanted to tell him on paper, stored and transferred all the feelings there so that I can easily let go, so that I could forget. I was falling for him each day and I knew that it was wrong, I’ve already accepted the fact that we can’t be together, that was another reason I gave myself to stop liking him. After a few days, I was confident enough to tell my friends that I’ve moved on and that I’m over him until that day came…

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning, everything was going my way (maybe because of the black cat I’ve encountered the day before). We were sitting along MVP basement watching our blockmates practice for their play. Both of us were there and since we didn’t have plays to practice for we were left behind. We were just talking about stuff until we came along that topic, about my secret. At that very moment, I knew I was screwed. That was also the moment I realized that I still like him, that the feelings never left. He kept on asking me about the secret, I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and ashamed at the same time ‘cause I wasn’t ready to tell him yet…I was never ready to tell him. Time passed and I’ve finally decided to tell him I like him in the fastest way possible and skedaddle right after. “Nothing’s going to happen”, I said to myself, so in his car I took a deep breath and the words, “I like you” found their way through my systems and out of my mouth. There. Finally! I said it, it’s over until I raised my head, looked at him and heard him say, “I like you, too”.

Let’s stop there.

Can you believe it? Even I can’t persuade myself to accept that this happened. At this point, it may sound like one of those “happily ever after” stories wherein true love’s kiss is always the solution to everything but no, we can’t be together, there’s no solution to our love story. Ours is forbidden, forbidden by the laws of humanity. No, I’m not exaggerating ‘cause that’s how I actually feel. Because of this, we need to stop acting like our old selves, corrosing the words, “best of friends” and the “awesome twosome” but I can’t. What the world is aking for me to do is too much for me to handle. I can’t just throw away something I’ve learned to live with. The pain I feel each day only added up to how much I really like him.

It’s hard not regret things because we never had the chance, we never tried…we can’t. It was over before it actually started and if that’s what they want then I’ll give them what they want but take note of this: I’d rather let the pain stay than forget. Why? Because forgetting is more painful and I can never let myself forget that I’ve grown to love us and what we had and I can never pretend that something as beautiful and bittersweet as this never happened.

I’m not the type of person who can express what they really feel out loud, so I did this. I just had to get this off my chest even for just a short while.

Are you happy now, humanity? I’m inlove with someone I can’t be with. What else do you want? Don’t make it too hard for me and just let me be. I don’t want to move on. I can bear the pain and be happy.

(sorry, not in the mood to be a grammar nazi and proofread, but maybe someday i will)